Sorry for the long break

I have not written since the day I moved in with my parents. I am doing okay but there are times when I have to pray hard.

My Christmas was okay but my heart was heavy. Last Christmas my friend Sandra died and I really never said goodbye to her. Over the last year there were times I picked up the phone to call her only to realize that she was gone.

On Christmas Eve, she was on me so heavy. I could feel her spirit in my room. I sat down on the bed and very quietly wished her a Merry Christmas and told her goodbye. This may sound crazy to some but I knew I had to do it.

I am praying for a better more fruitful 2010, I still plan to return to school and will certainly do so this fall.

There is a transformation going on inside of me and I can not wait to see what the end result is. I have this feeling that when I come out of this I will be some much stronger and some people will be left behind. I have to move on from some folks that have been hanging around for the last few years. A few have already bitten the dust but there are a few more. Some are relatives as well.

Good Luck and God Bless You

Two New Book Reviews coming up

One by Rochelle Alers and the other by Francis Ray.
since I am in the middle of packing it may the weekend before I can complete them
I think I need an intervention when it comes to the amount of clothing I own.

Good Holiday

My Thanksgiving turned out to be nice, my mother did not come to my sister's house so there was no drama. My two younger sisters and my neice came through though. It was a lot of fun as always. Angie has the best kids, they are so funny and dramatic.

I swear that I am going to have a horrible time if I decide to move away from here, I heart those kids. I will probably post the pictures here on my blog instead of facebook.

In the meantime I am still packing and trying to sell my furniture. I received a email from this school called Wade College here in Dallas that is school for fashion, interior and graphic design , they also have fashion merchandising. They are on a trimester basis and the next term starts in February I am considering attending. I need to think on it some more but I will be applying just in case..


Later>

Thankful

Things I am Thankful for:

1. to be alive
2. to have the best sisters in the world even when we don't agree
3. Thankful that I no longer participate in drama
4. that I continue to grow as a person
5. thankful for god's love
6. that God has not given up on me
7. thankful that I have the strength to keep getting up

8. that I have figured out who my friends are.

9. that tomorrow is a new day

The Best Laid Plans

Going to pick up my baby sister up from College today, in two hours and I have not even gone to sleep yet. Anywho, I was planning on spending Thanksgiving with Little C (my youngest sister) and my older sister and her family. My mother and father were headed to Baton Rouge, LA to have dinner with the rest of my family.

I do this every year because it is the least stressful option for me and two of my sisters. Well now we are all stressed because we thought we would have a quiet day...


So my prayer is for God to grant me the serenity that I need to make it through this dinner... At least our after dinner activity is going to be sewing so that will be fun.

Peace

I must admit the last time I wrote here I was deeply hurt by my mother's actions. Since that day I have sat quietly and allowed God to speak to me. I will continue to pray for my mother's salvation but I am aware that our relationship will not progress from where it is.

I have decided to move on with my life and leave behind all those people who do not bring me happiness. I am now remembering the words of my therapist who told me that my life is my own and being related does not mean we have to like each other.

So my plan is to stay at my parent's home until I have located a job, once that is done I will move within two weeks of receiving my first check.
I will move into a studio apartment and save enough money to move to Austin, TX which has been my dream for awhile. Thus I will continue my job search for employment in that area as well.

I recognize that the best time of my life was when I was San Antonio, TX five hours away from my family. So there is the new plan.

Life Changing Emotions

It has been six months and I can not find a job anywhere, I have applied for a job as a maid at a hotel and I could not manage to get that.

I have come to the realization that I am going to have to give up my apartment and the only place I have to go is the one place I am not wanted. My parent's home!

That's right you read that correctly. I spent three years in therapy and thought that I had gotten my mother issues but she never ceases to amaze me. And what I am going to say is gonna to stun some of you but I have always none that my mother does not like me. She never has. Growing up she treated me like dirt, I even remember my Aunt asking her to let me live with her because she could not stand how my mother treated me.

I am by far not the only child but there is something about me that she hates. And before anyone tells me that this can not be true, let me let you in on a secret, it is in fact the gospel truth. I used to pray to God to make my mother love me but she never has.

I swear that after those years of therapy I had really forgiven her and even made excuses for her sometimes. I am a very secure person but my self esteem lessens when I am jobless. And when I spoke to my mother earlier tonight she treated me like something you flick off of your shoes. And I hung up with her and cried, she was so nasty that I could hardly say anything to her. And everytime I close my eyes I start crying because for the life of me I do not know why she does not love me. She never encourages me, and when my adoption fell through there was no empathy. None. I felt like someone had ripped my soul from me and she said absolutely nothing.

there have been long periods of time when I have stayed away from my mother because I do not like drama or mean spirited people. And she is both of those.
My mother makes me question my faith in God, why would he not help me find a job or have no other alternative but to live there. I have contemplated sleeping in my car instead of being subjected to the daily pain of her picking away at my soul.

I have envied people who had good relationships with their mothers. When I talk to my sisters about my mother none them have anything good to say ever. I am still hoping and praying for a miracle that will allow me to be able to stay in my apartment but nothing has come up yet. I apply to 15 to 20 jobs a week, sometimes more and I can not even get a call back.
Please pray for me because my soul is running on empty and I may not survive if I can't find an alternative.

still trying

I am still trying to find a new job and it has not been easy. I spent hours today applying to jobs. Tomorrow I do something I have never done,I am going to the mall to see if I can get some seasonl work. Hell I am going to put two jobs together to see what I can do. It is going to be hard to do.

bye for now

God is GOOD

I finally got a phone call back from the case worker. I can visit my baby again. I have prayed to the almighty God and he answered my prayers.

I just needed to hear this song again

Find more videos like this on HOLLYHOODHDTV.COM

Aching

Foe the last two days I have been trying to not write how I really feel right now. It would be easy to say that I heartbroken over the way this adoption is process is going. The truth is my Soul aches in a way I never knew possible.

The baby's caseworker is no longer returning my phone calls nor those of my caseworker. I can not believe that she can hear the heartache in the messages that I have left for her and not have enough decency to return the call or even respond to the email messages. How can you not care that I really want this beautiful little boy. Shouldn't this be about him.

I have cried everyday this week because I feel so empty. I have always been the type of person to guard my feelings and it is times like this that I am reminded of why I am that way. I went into the first meeting with an open heart and mind, even with his medical issues I wanted him. Now I feel like he has been snatched away from me.

All I want to do is lay in the dark and cry. I have been trying to pray the pain away and not even that has worked. Nothing has ever made me feel so miserable in my life.
Please pray for my soul. I am in desparate need of some type of peace right now.

Discouraged

right now I am feeling like this adoption is not going to happen. No one is telling me anything at this point. No one can answer my questions either.
I am at the point where I am wanting to just let go. No more waiting around for people to tell me nothing. I hate that I have already fallen in love with this beautiful little boy whom I will probably never see again.

I have never felt so discouraged EVER!!!!
If this adoption does not go through I will not go forward with another adoption or even foster anymore. I expect this kind of drama doing foster care but doing a legal risk adoption with no relatives available should be a done deal.

Time to go comfort myself.

Visit Mom Bloggers Club

revealing questionaire

The Proust Questionnaire:

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? Being able to take care of myself and doing something I love to contribute to the world.

2. What is your greatest fear? Not ever becoming a mommy.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? I worry too much. love too hard

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others? selfishness

5. Which living person do you most admire? My sister Angie, I think that she is a great mother and hope that I can one day be like her.


6. What is your greatest extravagance? my sewing machine

7. What is your current state of mind? worried

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? patience

9. On what occasion do you lie? when I get tired of talking to people who ask me stupid questions

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance? honestly nothing

11. Which living person do you most despise? I don't totally despise people but there are some that I just would not give the time of day too.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man? gentleness

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman? open heart

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? "you know what"

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life? my family, Alexis and Fahim

16. When and where were you happiest? the day I met Micah. I am not sure that I have ever been happier

17. Which talent would you most like to have? singing

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? being introverted

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement? not sure that I have one.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? I would come back as me.

21. Where would you most like to live? in a time and place where the content of your character meant more than the color of your skin

22. What is your most treasured possession? my laptop, my books and my sewing machine

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? hate

24. What is your favorite occupation? writer

25. What is your most marked characteristic? my love

26. What do you most value in your friends? honesty

27. Who are your favorite writers? Francis Ray, Beverly Jenkins, Maya Angelou, and Rochelle Alers

28. Who is your hero of fiction? Katherine Wildhorse from the book Topaz by Beverly Jenkins

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with? Maya Angelou

30. Who are your heroes in real life? my sister Angelia, Maya Angelou, Oprah

31. What are your favorite names? Amaryss, Brooklyn, Garrison, and Blake

32. What is it that you most dislike? people who waste my time

33. What is your greatest regret? not finishing college

34. How would you like to die? Pain free

35. What is your motto? you only get once chance at this life, take it

Adoption post

If you have ever considered adopting a child, I encourage you to do so. November is national adoption month. I want to advise that some people will have your back and others just will not understand at all.


1. People will say how much of a blessing you are to take in that child. Listen I am not doing some grand gesture. I want to be a mommy and prayed about it and this is where I ended up. This is God's doing I am just following his lead.

2. Why do you want to adopt? If your answer to this question is because you want to save some broken child, I think you should re-evaluate your position. Although these children need homes, they do not need to be fixed. They need love, discipline and God.

3. Not everyone will think it is a good idea. I have heard a thousand times that that should have my own kid. Guess what that is not God's plan for me. And once the judge signs that paperwork the kid is yours. You can't bring him back and say I need a refund.

4. People change. There were plenty of supporting people in my life in the beginning of this journey and there still are. But some people have changed their attitudes. I mean I am at the most exciting part of my journey and these folks do not want to hear anything about this beautiful joy that I am experiencing. Trust me I am not being overy sensitive. My own mother does not seem very interested in my joy.

5. being an army of one (or 2). I am single so I know the majority of the work is going to be my own but I have a tremendous support system (except for the people mentioned in number 4). And these people look forward to being apart of our lives and watching this kid grow into an awesome person.

such a quiet day

Who would have ever thought that I would be a mommy. I can not wait until the little guy moves in. I am trying to remain patient. I know that GOD would not bring me this far and leave me. I truly believe that if something goes wrong I will abandon my journey to adopt. That would be a shame but I would.

I really need this. I have a confession to make. For years I have despised the holiday season. Mostly because it hurt so mush to see the other members of my family with their babies. I always wanted that to be me. And let me tell you something people who think that saying to a childless 30-something woman "you are so lucky that you don't have kids" is a nice thing, you suck. And I mean you suck is the meanest ugliest way possible. You have children and because it is so hard for you, you think that by telling someone else not have kids that you are helping them. You are not helping. But you are ensuring that you and I will never, ever have a pleasant conversation again.

Please stop and think before you say something like this to someone. I hsve had my heart crushed so many times when someone has said something like this. I can not physically have a child and that is painful enough to have to hear from a doctor but for someone to say oh hey you're lucky not to have the opportunity to procreate. Again you suck big time. Just do me and every other childless woman over 30 who actually wants kids and keep your mouth closed......

Arggghhhh

So I talked to the little guy's foster mom and found out the everyone has the flu (swine flu that is). So I can not see him right now. I hope that they all get better.
I really wanted to go see him on Saturday.

Long Way Home

I have finally been matched with a beautiful little boy (I assume he is beautiful). Baby M. I have never been so excited in entire life. Tomorrow I am going to meet with him. Please keep me in your prayers and I embark on this journey that will culminate in the realization of a dream.


To all of you that have supported me. Thank you.

My favorite quote from the bible and the only verse I know from the heart.

Whom shall ever receive these children in my name not only receives me but the one who sent me.

no mojo

I want to sew but Adrienne stole my mojo so I just sit back and wait for her to post her newest project. How sad is that. Anywho I am going to work on those pencil skirts because this is really sad. I dream about myself wearing those skirts and can't find the Will to get up and do it.

Maybe because I have no where to wear them to.

In Better news, It looks like I will be a new student at Midwestern State University in Wichita Falls TX. Can you say country town. Near Oklahoma. I need to check the weather because Oklahoma has tornados and I don't do bad weather... says the girl from New Orleans.


Okay I guess I am gonna go finish reading blogs to see if I can steal my mojo back.


God Bless, Ladies and Gents

Ramblings (in honor of Adrienne)

I have an absess on my tooth (in other words it is infected)

I miss my bestfriend and I think she knows it.

her daughter reminds me of her late sister Dee and it is freaky sometimes

I am so looking forward to returning to college

still don't know what my major will be (social work or psychology)

I love writing most of all though

I need to work out but I am lazy

I watched the biggest loser tonight

my workout clothes are picked out for tomorrow

I feel so lost sometimes.

why do some people think they are the best friend you ever had when they are the worst.

I don't hate you but I really do not like who you are.

Our friendship will not be re-born.

I have never met my youngest nephew and it makes me sad sometimes.

I am so happy my brother has a good wife, I was tired of hating those other two heifers

it is 2 am and I just ate a bowl of grits, guess who is not going to sleep soon.

I love my little sister so much, I am afraid to move away from her.

okay that is all for now

What I love at the moment

I love this ice cream and I don't really eat ice cream

Steve Madden Markee bootie. my baby sister bought them in black for me. I want the purple.
http://www.stevemadden.com/item.aspx?id=49388&path=|womens%20shoes|womens%20booties

this dress from Torrid
http://www.torrid.com/torrid/store/product.jsp?FOLDER<>folder_id=2534374302036000&PRODUCT<>prd_id=845524442211473&bmUID=1252474019134

Things I Know About myself

1. I love me, no matter if no one else does.
2. I am very emotional.
3. I allow people to hang themselves. So if I am no longer speaking to you it because of you.
4. I love my family although at times I can not be around all of them.
5. I hate noise. Loud talking, yelling
6. I don't believe that I will ever marry.
7. why? because the man that I love I can not marry (no he is not married).
8. I will never have a biological child, And I have made peace with that fact.
9. with that being said I don not understand why I still get a period. Let's be fair here. No babies no period.
10. I love facebook and the people that I have reconnected with. I heart them.
11. I love my brother alot and I miss him. I have not seen him in 2 years. How sad.
12. I love the color pink.
13. I love music and when I am angry, sad or hurt I put on the right song and cry it out.
14. Once I have given up on a person I will not let them back into my life.
15. I have a favorite neiece and with so many I really shouldn't. Hey Janay
16. I have a favorite sister, too.
17. I love my mother, but she doesn't know it. May God forgive me but I love my father more.
18. I love Fahim, but sometimes I wish that I did not
19. I also love Alexis (male) but not in the same way. But he doesn't want to be my friend anymore. It hurt my feelings at first.
20. I love God and I know he loves me back.
21. I can quote the lyrics to any jay-z song (and I don't really like rap).

Hello, My name is Carla and I watch Tiny & Toya

Let me first say that I was initially one of those people who said I would never watch this show because it would have to be ghetto. Truthfully it is not that way, I mean get past the way they speak (none of us are perfect) and what you see are two women trying to find themselves outside of their relationships with famous men.

I have to say that watching Toya sometimes makes me want to hug her, remember this girl had a baby at 14, 15 years old and is one of six children born to a absent father and a drug addict for a mother. Episode after episode I see this young woman trying to save her mother from destroying herself and it takes a therapist and several women in her family to convince her that she can not save someone who is not ready to be saved.

She clearly loves her mother and is trying to provide her with a better life (but is that something a child (of any age) should have to do for a parent.) Her mother is able bodied but has lost herself to drugs and the streets.

I encourage you to BET.COM and watch one of the episodes I think the one I was just referencing is 3 or 4. In one episode Toya decides that it is time for her to learn to swim so Tiny and another friend get her in the water and try to teach her. This ladies is what a friend does, a friend helps you conquer your fear not use it as armor in a battle.

Let me say that I also said that I would never watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta and I have steadfastly stuck by that decision. I will not watch it ever and will leave the room if someone else is. I can not stand to see grown women act like teenagers. How is it that two young women who's show everyone said would be a ghetto mess can act more mature than those four ladies. Not Kandi that's my girl.

Later Divas.

A Good Day

I had a great day with my babysister, she bought me the cutest ahoes from Steve Madden. I love that store and the guy who worked there who told me that if he were a girl he would wear 6 inch heels everyday.

I will stick with heels less than 5 inches. Although I would love these fly Gucci heels that I saw in Vogue.

Gotta find a picture of them to post.

And yes she is my favorite sister not just because she bought me shoes.

Learning Life's Lessons

Ever had an aha moment. You know the moment when you finally see a person for who they really are, or when you realize someone you love doesn't love you in the same manner or at all. That is what I am referring to. You see for the past few months I have been having repetitive AHA! moments.

The elders warned me that once I turned thirty years old that the picture of life would start to get more clearer. Sometimes people are not supposed to be in your life for long periods of time, I have heard several ministers preach on the subject of reason, season and a lifetime. Although I always found the subject to be moving I did not get it until now.

I started noticing that some people were taking me for granted or just using me period. And I got tired and one by one God has helped me to move these people out of my life. There are no hard feelings towards some, and a few will even be missed but they are not good for me or my soul.

Once in particular reads this blog and I want to say to her that I love her but I have outgrown our friendship. We can not go forward together because our journeys are going in different directions. And I realize that no matter how good of a friend I am to you, that will never be good enough. And I really just can not do this anymore. But I pray for your safe journey through the rest of your life.
(LG this is not about you)

I am going to try to sleep now I needed to purge and I hope that I done so enough for me to sleep it is now 5 in the morning.

Today is my Birthday

I know everyone is tired of hearing that but I am so happy. I love my birthday and no matter what I do or don't do it is always special to me. I really enjoy every year that I get older because God loves me enough to allow me to be here another year.

Love you all

Music Review: Epiphany by Chrisette Michele

Let me start this review by saying that there are few R&B singers out today that can really sing. I miss real R&B. I am talking from my generation chicas like Tamia, Monica, Brandy, Leela James, and Miss Chrisette herself. These ladies are very talented but they passed over for Rihanna, Ciara and Keri Hilson not of whom can sing to save their lives.

Anyway, here is the rundown on Epiphany

1. Epiphany (I’m Leaving) : Title song and the first release love the groove

2. Notebook : this one reminds of being young and in love

3. What You Do: Current Single and video is playing.

4. Blame It On Me: " There are no words to describe how I felt the first time I heard this song. She was previewing her album on the Steve Harvey morning show and she sang this song, OH MY GOD!
lyrics; Sometimes you can work it out, sometimes you can't, sometimes you're forced to watch everything fall apart, it's out of your hands. Sometimes leaving is easy, sometimes it ain't, sometimes it hurts to know the love you had is slowing fading away"
I am not gonna give you the chorus because you have to listen to it.

5. All I Ever Think About: This song reminds me of someone.

6. Playin’ Our Song

7. Another One: I like this one alot too

8. On My Own
9. Fragile
10. Mr. Right

11. Porcelain Doll: I listen to this song on a daily basis. Enough said
12. I’m Okay

This album is not full of hip hop cameos, I believe the only other person on the album is Neyo. If you haven't heard it please pay for it.

Book Review: Purple Panties An EroticNorir edited by Zane

I have to say that I was disappointed in the stories in this book only one of them stood out and right now I can't tell you what the name of that story really was.

Zane's story was of course the most interesting but that is not the story that I was referencing. I will have to say that this was just was not it for me.

Maybe next time

A Taste of Passion

I have said many times that when Brenda Jackson writes a book for the Madaris series she puts in her best work. I thought this book would be predictable but it was far from it. What I thought would be the ending was far from it. You have to read this one.

I always try not to give away the story so I will tell you that my favorite scene in the story is when Clayton and Syneda make their first appearance in the story. They are in Clayton's office and he is trying to convince Syneda that they can talk better if she is sitting in his lap without her skirt.

Of all of her many different series this one is my favorite. I can not wait for the next book in the series and if she stays true to the hints in the book it will be Sheik Rashaad and then Blade Madaris.

Next up for review: Man of Fortune by Rochelle Alers

Tis the Season

The season of change that is. Ever heard that saying about people being in your life for a season or a lifetime. Well that is what this post is all about. I have come to realize that some of my relationships have been kept well past their due dates.

I have come to a point in my life where I am only wanting to be around positive people; people who are encouraging, full of life and love. I feel bad that I did not notice or simply overlooked the very judgemental ways of some of these people. I guess when it was not directed at me it did not matter but I now seem to notice and it irritates the hell out of me.

If you consider someone a friend then why are you always talking about them and how trifling you think they are when quite frankly you are only in a slightly better position. Why not be a real friend and try to encourage them to do better. One person in particular just seems to think that it is not their problem and why should they care. But wait, isn't this person supposedly your friend. How can you sit in judgement of someone else. Come on !!

Then they are those to whom everything is a competition, no matter what you accomplish they find a way to try to outshine you or say that "oh well, I did such and such". Are you kidding me? Are you that insecure that you have to play this game.
You can't just be happy for me?

I said all of this to say that there are several people who will be deliberately dismissed from my life. You have proven that you are not truly a friend in one way or another or I have simply had enough of the bullshit that is you. I can no longer make excuses or even overlook the drama that you bring to my life. Tired of you trying to control what was supposed to be a friendship hoping to keep your flaws hidden. Just because I don't throw them in your face doesn't mean I can't see them.

Here is a hint "if you can't be broken with your friends,then who can you be you with".

So the season of change has begun for me. Over the next 30 days I will be letting go of some of these toxic situations.

Smooche

Carla

Non-tradional Student

Yep, that title suits me. I have applied to school but I obviously can not start in the fall. I applied too late. While I am typing this I am considering applying to the nearby community college just to get myself started again.

I am so tired of getting laid off so it is time to get a new career at the young age of soon to be 33. I have to do this I have no choice. I hope that my friends and family support me..

Goodnight ALL

Feeling kind of bitchy

So just let me say that my mood the past few days has not been the best. People have beening working on my nerves with no end in sight.
I am at the point where I think that I should just take some me time and not speak to anyone other than my sister and a select few others.
I have lost my need to create and that is a problem. so I cut out a pattern for a infant's outfit that should be simple and easy to put together.

I also plan to work on some writings and clean out some clutter. So this week will be one of silence where I may not answer my phone unless it is imperative that I do so.

With Love

Your girl

Hola

Okay so I decided to start taking foster care placements again. I have got to get a new stroller and play pen. The stroller I currently own sucks. The wheels get stuck and do not roll straight. And the playpen has been recalled some time ago.

So if anyone knows a good brand please email me with the name. I prefer a pink one or an all black one..


Later.

Book Review: Nobody But You

I am a huge fan of Francis Ray but that does not make me a bias reader. I love to read and I will always give you my honest opinion. That being said I really enjoyed this book. I will not give away the book as I have been known to do before. Let me also say that you need to start from the beginning and read every book in the series. That is my personal opinion. You can start with the first series in the Grayson series only but I think you must really start with the Taggerts. If you can not locate one of those books contact me and I will see what I can do. I may let you borrow mine but it will cost you your first born. LOL.

This is so beautiful

This man can do no wrong in my eyes.

What is your TYPE?

What do the men or women you have dated have in common?

I would say all of my guys have been kind of nerdy. A quality that I like alot.

Is there something wrong with a woman who does not wish to marry?

Some one asked me this question today.. As someone who has thought about this question many, many times. Since I have met more and more women who have no desire to marry I think that there is nothing wrong with you.

Although I love the idea of marriage I don't see it happening for myself. I have really only loved two men in my life and if I didn't marry either of them it isn't going to happen. Unless GOD sends me a man who is patient, dominant, intelligent, ambitious with a little bit of a hustler in him, family oriented with a love of children. It is not going to happen. Oh yeah he has got to make me laugh like Alexis does.

Marriage is not something to enter into lightly but you should not be forced to do it.

So get used to me being single cause that is not going to change.

My belated Father's Day Post

I thought about writing this on father's day but changed my mind. You see my dad knows that he is the greatest father that ever lived (lol Yeah I said it) and I love him. No he is not perfect and as he stated to me earlier today that he has done wrong in the past but asked God for forgiveness. I am naive in thinking my father is perfect I have a sister that grew up without him so I know her vision of him vastly differs from mine and that of my sisters.

But to me he is the Sun and the Moon and if God allowed me to live this life over again, I would change some things but I would ask God to give me the same Dad. Those who know me well, know that we almost lost Dad in a auto accident December of 2001. He spent weeks in the hospital in ICU and only the grace of God brought him through. I don't know how many tear filled prayers I have sent up to God asking him not to take my Dad from us. I believe that he holds us together. There is no quicker way to get us all to agree than to say that it is something that Daddy wants. I am grateful for everyday that I get to see or talk to him.

Rest in Peace

I refrained from posting about Michael Jackson's death because my reaction to it was different from that of other people I know. Although his death saddened me I felt relief for him. I believe that he finally has the peace that the world would never allow him to have.

I read Lisa Marie Presley's statement and unlike some could feel the truth in it. Michael knew no matter what he did there would be no earthly peace for him ever. People are so obsessed with celebrities that people who have no God given talent are now celebrities. I am a person who loves music, especially the lyrics and in music is where I sometimes find my peace. I can not count how many times I have put my Zune on shuffle and just let it play; while I laid back and just let the music do its thing.

You that feeling you get when a song that expresses how you are feeling comes on the radio and it either makes you laugh or cry. If you like me depending on the emotion it invokes I might pull over and just let it play or I might just keep driving and let my emotions flow freely.

My favorite song by Michael Jackson is called "Will you Be There".


There will never be another like him. You can finally rest.

finally back to sewing

I cut McCall's m5640 which is so me. I did mot take a picture of the pattern cover but let me say this is the third time I have cut this pattern.
The first time I cut up a really cute knit fabric and then realized that jersey knit was not a fabric suggestion for the pattern.

I then cut it out using a cotton batik from Hancock fabrics and because I was pinning the pattern to the fabric it was not coming out right. And then I read this post on a blog and the difference between using pins and using weights. The lady and I can not remember her name of the blog did a demonstration showing how when pinned the pieces come out differently. Whatever her name is I thank her because now I can see that my pieces were cut correctly.

Now if I could cut straight we would be in business.

I am going to sew it together later today.

Back in the mix

I have not posted in awhile and since I now know that people read my blog I figured that I need to get back to it.

I don't know the last time I posted and did not check before writing this post so just act like it was yesterday.

I have lost another job and decided that I am tired of that so I have decided to enroll in college and major in Social Work.

I am excited about the prospect of going back to school because God knows that I am tired of not working.

I will be back with some book reviews and some other random stuff.

With Love, Me

Good day

This has been a really busy week and there is nothing like a crazy thunderstorm on a Friday to get you ready for the weekend. I am hoping that the rain does not continue because I want to see my neices this weekend just to get my spirits up. They are always good for a laugh or for some beautiful innocence. And my nephew JoJo is very funny. So we will see what happens with the weather.

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Also I have cut out all the pieces for my first sewing project so if it does rain I will get to sew it all together. How exciting?
I will take some pictures and post them soon.

Toodles

I'm sewing

i am working on my first project and because I am typing from bed at the moment I can't tell you what the pattern is. I can tell you that it is made of jersey which seems to be my favorite fabric to purchase.

I bought some cotton fabric yesterday from Hobby Lobby and two simplicity patterns (they were $1.99 each) I only got two and the sale ended yesterday. I am looking for a pencil skirt pattern and for the life of me I can not find one. So if anyone knows of a pattern that I can use I would be grateful.

Sewing Class

I had my one and one sewing class this past Saturday and let me tell you something Carol is the best. She taught me how to do a neckline and how to install an invisible zipper. The class before that she taught me darts and how to sew on buttons in a couture fashion (which I have used on some clothes I already own) that really secures the buttons to the clothing.

She also took my measurements for me and let me know that I would always have to alter a pattern because of my measurements. I am debating on if I will be taking another class with a different instructor who will show me how to alter patterns to fit my body.

I am so excited and I can not wait to start sewing up a storm.. I already have a stash of patterns and some fabric.. My first project is going to be a tote bag.

Wish me luck

A new day

I am feeling so good today I want to dance in the rain. (yeah right) Okay maybe not in the rain because I don't want to get my hair wet. I am in a good place right now and I am so in love with who I am and my determination to achieve my goals for 2009.

So my sewing is coming along pretty well and I am excited. I still love writing in my blog and I will increasing the entries. The funny thing is I always thinks that no is reading this and then I get an email or a phone call asking me about something I wrote.

Only a few people leave comments and it is okay. I know you lurkers are out there.

Sewing Class

I took my first sewing class today. I really enjoyed it and I have already signed up for the next class. I learned how to sew a dart. How to sew on buttons of different types.

What do you do?

when you have given someone everything you have inside you and it still is not enough. Do you stay or walk away?
I am so drained emotionally. I mean that I really feel so empty now. All of the ups and downs have taken their toll on me.
..................
You make me want to give up on loving you, on being your friend. In my heart I feel that no matter what I do it will never be enough. If you want me you are going to have to come and get me because me coming to you is no longer an option. I have invested alot of time and energy into you. I am done.
****
I will not pass up another chance for someone to meet my needs. He does not make idle promises. He communicates effectively. He loves me unconditionally. He does what he says he will do.

But I am a fool, because I love you. But even a fool can see the sun on a cloudy day if they look hard enough. He is the sun and I fear that if I continue to put him off he will sun on someone else's day. If you don't step up, I will be gone. Forever!

Just a little bit of Fear

Sometimes I feel like the bravest person in the world and other times I feel like the biggest chicken. I am embarking on a life changing event. For the first time in my life I am going to be sharing my life with someone else.

Can I say that I am afraid? Because I am. When I am afraid of something my imagination runs overboard and i think of a million reasons why I should not do whatever it is.

I know that I am a chicken at times but dang it who would not be. I have been on my own for awhile now, never really co-habitating with anyone.

Okay I better move on to something else or I am going to find a thousand reasons why this won't work.

You are my Friend and I love You

I realize that not everyone is blessed to have great friends but I consider myself to be more than blessed. It is said that the measure of a man is by the friends he keeps.
Because I never get a chance to say this to you, I love you.

Kell: I love you because from the moment we met I could always be myself with you. No matter what I know that you will here for me and I love you for that. We have been through alot together and I would not trade you for anything in the world.

She - THere is so much that I could say about Shelia but I will say that very few people know how great of a person you really are. You are that person that I can go to when I am afraid or I am doubting myself. You are more than my friend you are family. I pray for you all of the time, I pray that God gives you the desires of your heart because whenever I need you you always come through. I love you as my friend and my sister.

Deeva - You keep me on toes and no matter how much time goes between our conversations or late night girl talks I know that you are my friend. I know that your heart is so much bigger than most people can imagine. I love you because no matter what happens in my life you always encourage me. You never allow me to feel sorry for myself.
I love you, simply because you are who you and you never apologize for that.

Keiis: We have been friends for a long time now, and having you as a friend keeps my mind sharp and my eye on the prize. You are destined for great things and I can not wait to see you shine. I got my shades ready.

Courtney: Although you are my sister and not my friend, I love you so much. You are becoming a great woman and I am enjoying watching you come into your own. (thank you for the jordans by the way, they look good on me) I hope that my daughter is just like you, minus the attitude and the fly mouth, But intelligent and self assured. If I could give you any advice it would be live your life to the fullest and follow your dreams no matter what.


The video is dedicated to you all

Try this

10 Things you wish you could say to ten different people:

1. I love you and hate you at the same time.
2. You complain way too damn much
3. You should be mine!!
4. You should support me
5. I am not asking for your permission to live my life.
6. I want to leave you alone forever.
7. I love you too much to leave
8. You are not ready for another relationship
9. Come to me, where you belong
10. I am so proud of you

9 Things about yourself
1. I love to read.
2. I want to be a writer more than anything.
3. I need my daddy to live forever.
4. I am a diehard Jayz fan.
5. I am spoiled and I know it.
6. I can be your best friend and your worst enemy.
7. I will never quit.
8. I love to learn.
9. I love to be loved

8 Ways to win my heart (if it wasn't already won)
1. Believe in God (mine or your own).
2. Ability to communicate well and have really good conversations.
3. love me .
4. Make me feel safe.
5. Compliment me.
6. Love kids.
7. Be honest.
8. Hold me tight.

7 Things that cross my mind a lot
1. Is Sandra finally at peace?
2. Will I die before becoming a mom?
3. Is it time to let go for good?
4. Will I ever find the child got has for me to adopt?
5. It is wrong to want him to get a divorce.
6. Am I ever going to learn to sew?
7. Thank you Jesus

6 Thing I do before I fall asleep
1. Check email.
2. Check facebook.
3. Check myspace.
4. read the ybf.
5. Read the sewing blogs (Adrienne, Erica, Mimi and Cidell are favorites.
6. drink a coke


5 People I couldn't live without
1. Daddy/Courtney
2. Kell
3. She
4. Alexis
5. Fahim

4 Things I am wearing right now
1. a white men's undershit
2.
3.
4.

3 Songs that fit my life perfectly
1. Still in Love - New Edition
2. Still Standing - Monica
3. Never Would Have Made it - Marvin Sapp

2 Thing I want to do before I die
1. Get married.
2. Have kids.

1 Confession
I rebel against all who want to box me in.

Hobbies

Okay since I am still jobless I have decided to focus on my hobbies. I have not crocheted anything in awhile but I am getting ready to start on a dog made of yarn from a pattern I found online.

I have also found enough beginner sewing books to teach myself basic sewing techniques. I plan to go to a sewing class on the 24th.

I had the best night last night and I will keep the details classified but this girl is happy and smiling.

on a different note - Angelina

I saw this little girl on television on Christmas night I believe and I considering inquiring about her status with the state. She is older than what I initially thought about or considered but there is something about her.
Clicking on the title link will take you to her page on the state website.