Good Holiday

My Thanksgiving turned out to be nice, my mother did not come to my sister's house so there was no drama. My two younger sisters and my neice came through though. It was a lot of fun as always. Angie has the best kids, they are so funny and dramatic.

I swear that I am going to have a horrible time if I decide to move away from here, I heart those kids. I will probably post the pictures here on my blog instead of facebook.

In the meantime I am still packing and trying to sell my furniture. I received a email from this school called Wade College here in Dallas that is school for fashion, interior and graphic design , they also have fashion merchandising. They are on a trimester basis and the next term starts in February I am considering attending. I need to think on it some more but I will be applying just in case..


Later>

Thankful

Things I am Thankful for:

1. to be alive
2. to have the best sisters in the world even when we don't agree
3. Thankful that I no longer participate in drama
4. that I continue to grow as a person
5. thankful for god's love
6. that God has not given up on me
7. thankful that I have the strength to keep getting up

8. that I have figured out who my friends are.

9. that tomorrow is a new day

The Best Laid Plans

Going to pick up my baby sister up from College today, in two hours and I have not even gone to sleep yet. Anywho, I was planning on spending Thanksgiving with Little C (my youngest sister) and my older sister and her family. My mother and father were headed to Baton Rouge, LA to have dinner with the rest of my family.

I do this every year because it is the least stressful option for me and two of my sisters. Well now we are all stressed because we thought we would have a quiet day...


So my prayer is for God to grant me the serenity that I need to make it through this dinner... At least our after dinner activity is going to be sewing so that will be fun.

Peace

I must admit the last time I wrote here I was deeply hurt by my mother's actions. Since that day I have sat quietly and allowed God to speak to me. I will continue to pray for my mother's salvation but I am aware that our relationship will not progress from where it is.

I have decided to move on with my life and leave behind all those people who do not bring me happiness. I am now remembering the words of my therapist who told me that my life is my own and being related does not mean we have to like each other.

So my plan is to stay at my parent's home until I have located a job, once that is done I will move within two weeks of receiving my first check.
I will move into a studio apartment and save enough money to move to Austin, TX which has been my dream for awhile. Thus I will continue my job search for employment in that area as well.

I recognize that the best time of my life was when I was San Antonio, TX five hours away from my family. So there is the new plan.

Life Changing Emotions

It has been six months and I can not find a job anywhere, I have applied for a job as a maid at a hotel and I could not manage to get that.

I have come to the realization that I am going to have to give up my apartment and the only place I have to go is the one place I am not wanted. My parent's home!

That's right you read that correctly. I spent three years in therapy and thought that I had gotten my mother issues but she never ceases to amaze me. And what I am going to say is gonna to stun some of you but I have always none that my mother does not like me. She never has. Growing up she treated me like dirt, I even remember my Aunt asking her to let me live with her because she could not stand how my mother treated me.

I am by far not the only child but there is something about me that she hates. And before anyone tells me that this can not be true, let me let you in on a secret, it is in fact the gospel truth. I used to pray to God to make my mother love me but she never has.

I swear that after those years of therapy I had really forgiven her and even made excuses for her sometimes. I am a very secure person but my self esteem lessens when I am jobless. And when I spoke to my mother earlier tonight she treated me like something you flick off of your shoes. And I hung up with her and cried, she was so nasty that I could hardly say anything to her. And everytime I close my eyes I start crying because for the life of me I do not know why she does not love me. She never encourages me, and when my adoption fell through there was no empathy. None. I felt like someone had ripped my soul from me and she said absolutely nothing.

there have been long periods of time when I have stayed away from my mother because I do not like drama or mean spirited people. And she is both of those.
My mother makes me question my faith in God, why would he not help me find a job or have no other alternative but to live there. I have contemplated sleeping in my car instead of being subjected to the daily pain of her picking away at my soul.

I have envied people who had good relationships with their mothers. When I talk to my sisters about my mother none them have anything good to say ever. I am still hoping and praying for a miracle that will allow me to be able to stay in my apartment but nothing has come up yet. I apply to 15 to 20 jobs a week, sometimes more and I can not even get a call back.
Please pray for me because my soul is running on empty and I may not survive if I can't find an alternative.

still trying

I am still trying to find a new job and it has not been easy. I spent hours today applying to jobs. Tomorrow I do something I have never done,I am going to the mall to see if I can get some seasonl work. Hell I am going to put two jobs together to see what I can do. It is going to be hard to do.

bye for now