Life Changing Emotions

It has been six months and I can not find a job anywhere, I have applied for a job as a maid at a hotel and I could not manage to get that.

I have come to the realization that I am going to have to give up my apartment and the only place I have to go is the one place I am not wanted. My parent's home!

That's right you read that correctly. I spent three years in therapy and thought that I had gotten my mother issues but she never ceases to amaze me. And what I am going to say is gonna to stun some of you but I have always none that my mother does not like me. She never has. Growing up she treated me like dirt, I even remember my Aunt asking her to let me live with her because she could not stand how my mother treated me.

I am by far not the only child but there is something about me that she hates. And before anyone tells me that this can not be true, let me let you in on a secret, it is in fact the gospel truth. I used to pray to God to make my mother love me but she never has.

I swear that after those years of therapy I had really forgiven her and even made excuses for her sometimes. I am a very secure person but my self esteem lessens when I am jobless. And when I spoke to my mother earlier tonight she treated me like something you flick off of your shoes. And I hung up with her and cried, she was so nasty that I could hardly say anything to her. And everytime I close my eyes I start crying because for the life of me I do not know why she does not love me. She never encourages me, and when my adoption fell through there was no empathy. None. I felt like someone had ripped my soul from me and she said absolutely nothing.

there have been long periods of time when I have stayed away from my mother because I do not like drama or mean spirited people. And she is both of those.
My mother makes me question my faith in God, why would he not help me find a job or have no other alternative but to live there. I have contemplated sleeping in my car instead of being subjected to the daily pain of her picking away at my soul.

I have envied people who had good relationships with their mothers. When I talk to my sisters about my mother none them have anything good to say ever. I am still hoping and praying for a miracle that will allow me to be able to stay in my apartment but nothing has come up yet. I apply to 15 to 20 jobs a week, sometimes more and I can not even get a call back.
Please pray for me because my soul is running on empty and I may not survive if I can't find an alternative.