God is GOOD

I finally got a phone call back from the case worker. I can visit my baby again. I have prayed to the almighty God and he answered my prayers.

I just needed to hear this song again

Find more videos like this on HOLLYHOODHDTV.COM

Aching

Foe the last two days I have been trying to not write how I really feel right now. It would be easy to say that I heartbroken over the way this adoption is process is going. The truth is my Soul aches in a way I never knew possible.

The baby's caseworker is no longer returning my phone calls nor those of my caseworker. I can not believe that she can hear the heartache in the messages that I have left for her and not have enough decency to return the call or even respond to the email messages. How can you not care that I really want this beautiful little boy. Shouldn't this be about him.

I have cried everyday this week because I feel so empty. I have always been the type of person to guard my feelings and it is times like this that I am reminded of why I am that way. I went into the first meeting with an open heart and mind, even with his medical issues I wanted him. Now I feel like he has been snatched away from me.

All I want to do is lay in the dark and cry. I have been trying to pray the pain away and not even that has worked. Nothing has ever made me feel so miserable in my life.
Please pray for my soul. I am in desparate need of some type of peace right now.

Discouraged

right now I am feeling like this adoption is not going to happen. No one is telling me anything at this point. No one can answer my questions either.
I am at the point where I am wanting to just let go. No more waiting around for people to tell me nothing. I hate that I have already fallen in love with this beautiful little boy whom I will probably never see again.

I have never felt so discouraged EVER!!!!
If this adoption does not go through I will not go forward with another adoption or even foster anymore. I expect this kind of drama doing foster care but doing a legal risk adoption with no relatives available should be a done deal.

Time to go comfort myself.

Visit Mom Bloggers Club

revealing questionaire

The Proust Questionnaire:

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? Being able to take care of myself and doing something I love to contribute to the world.

2. What is your greatest fear? Not ever becoming a mommy.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? I worry too much. love too hard

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others? selfishness

5. Which living person do you most admire? My sister Angie, I think that she is a great mother and hope that I can one day be like her.


6. What is your greatest extravagance? my sewing machine

7. What is your current state of mind? worried

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? patience

9. On what occasion do you lie? when I get tired of talking to people who ask me stupid questions

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance? honestly nothing

11. Which living person do you most despise? I don't totally despise people but there are some that I just would not give the time of day too.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man? gentleness

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman? open heart

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? "you know what"

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life? my family, Alexis and Fahim

16. When and where were you happiest? the day I met Micah. I am not sure that I have ever been happier

17. Which talent would you most like to have? singing

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? being introverted

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement? not sure that I have one.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? I would come back as me.

21. Where would you most like to live? in a time and place where the content of your character meant more than the color of your skin

22. What is your most treasured possession? my laptop, my books and my sewing machine

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? hate

24. What is your favorite occupation? writer

25. What is your most marked characteristic? my love

26. What do you most value in your friends? honesty

27. Who are your favorite writers? Francis Ray, Beverly Jenkins, Maya Angelou, and Rochelle Alers

28. Who is your hero of fiction? Katherine Wildhorse from the book Topaz by Beverly Jenkins

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with? Maya Angelou

30. Who are your heroes in real life? my sister Angelia, Maya Angelou, Oprah

31. What are your favorite names? Amaryss, Brooklyn, Garrison, and Blake

32. What is it that you most dislike? people who waste my time

33. What is your greatest regret? not finishing college

34. How would you like to die? Pain free

35. What is your motto? you only get once chance at this life, take it

Adoption post

If you have ever considered adopting a child, I encourage you to do so. November is national adoption month. I want to advise that some people will have your back and others just will not understand at all.


1. People will say how much of a blessing you are to take in that child. Listen I am not doing some grand gesture. I want to be a mommy and prayed about it and this is where I ended up. This is God's doing I am just following his lead.

2. Why do you want to adopt? If your answer to this question is because you want to save some broken child, I think you should re-evaluate your position. Although these children need homes, they do not need to be fixed. They need love, discipline and God.

3. Not everyone will think it is a good idea. I have heard a thousand times that that should have my own kid. Guess what that is not God's plan for me. And once the judge signs that paperwork the kid is yours. You can't bring him back and say I need a refund.

4. People change. There were plenty of supporting people in my life in the beginning of this journey and there still are. But some people have changed their attitudes. I mean I am at the most exciting part of my journey and these folks do not want to hear anything about this beautiful joy that I am experiencing. Trust me I am not being overy sensitive. My own mother does not seem very interested in my joy.

5. being an army of one (or 2). I am single so I know the majority of the work is going to be my own but I have a tremendous support system (except for the people mentioned in number 4). And these people look forward to being apart of our lives and watching this kid grow into an awesome person.

such a quiet day

Who would have ever thought that I would be a mommy. I can not wait until the little guy moves in. I am trying to remain patient. I know that GOD would not bring me this far and leave me. I truly believe that if something goes wrong I will abandon my journey to adopt. That would be a shame but I would.

I really need this. I have a confession to make. For years I have despised the holiday season. Mostly because it hurt so mush to see the other members of my family with their babies. I always wanted that to be me. And let me tell you something people who think that saying to a childless 30-something woman "you are so lucky that you don't have kids" is a nice thing, you suck. And I mean you suck is the meanest ugliest way possible. You have children and because it is so hard for you, you think that by telling someone else not have kids that you are helping them. You are not helping. But you are ensuring that you and I will never, ever have a pleasant conversation again.

Please stop and think before you say something like this to someone. I hsve had my heart crushed so many times when someone has said something like this. I can not physically have a child and that is painful enough to have to hear from a doctor but for someone to say oh hey you're lucky not to have the opportunity to procreate. Again you suck big time. Just do me and every other childless woman over 30 who actually wants kids and keep your mouth closed......

Arggghhhh

So I talked to the little guy's foster mom and found out the everyone has the flu (swine flu that is). So I can not see him right now. I hope that they all get better.
I really wanted to go see him on Saturday.

Long Way Home

I have finally been matched with a beautiful little boy (I assume he is beautiful). Baby M. I have never been so excited in entire life. Tomorrow I am going to meet with him. Please keep me in your prayers and I embark on this journey that will culminate in the realization of a dream.


To all of you that have supported me. Thank you.

My favorite quote from the bible and the only verse I know from the heart.

Whom shall ever receive these children in my name not only receives me but the one who sent me.